Understanding Grief
Grief is natural. To mourn is normal. To cry is healthy. It is not wrong or bad to grieve, rather it is wrong not to grieve. Grief is nature’s way of assisting us to cope with the loss we have experienced and to take the love and emotion that we had in the person we have lost and to reinvest it in those living around us.
This process however, takes time. Our lives have been disrupted and we are anxious over the lack of control that we have. Often our sorrow seems over-whelming and we may feel that we will never recover from it. Yet, the experience of countless generations testifies to the reality that eventually we will be able to work through our feelings and arrive at a state of acceptance.
The healing power lies within ourselves, within the very wound itself. So, to grieve is a very human, healthy and necessary response to loss. Grief is not tidy. It does not travel neatly along smooth straight roads but rather is akin to an emotional roller coaster ride of bumpy ups and downs. No two people grieve the same. Some are able to display feelings quite openly and freely while others check their emotions. Some may be able to articulate their grief and readily talk and share, while others express themselves in activity and work. Grief is also a time of turning inwards.
By necessity we must take the time necessary to understand our various feelings. We need to make sense of our changed reality. Although we would wish the deceased to come back we know that we must deal with this most ultimate of separations if life is to go on.
One of the most universal experiences in life is death and with that death the grief that accompanies it.
The Funeral Service Association of British Columbia freely offers to individuals who need comfort and support a number of brochures on the topic of grief. Such as:
- Understanding Grief, A New Beginning
- Yours Mine and Our Children’s Grief
- Helping Children Cope With Grief
- Helping Teenagers Cope With Grief
- Helping Yourself Heal When Someone Dies
- I Can’t Face The Holidays
- Saying Goodbye To A Loved One Who Is Dying
- What To Do For A Grieving Person
- When Someone Close To You Has Completed Suicide
- Dealing With A Sudden Death
These can be viewed on the Saint Michael’s Centre
Grief Resource webpage.
These complimentary brochures are available from any member funeral home, or directly from the Funeral Service Association of British Columbia – 1-800-665-3899
Today, parents favour honesty in discussing the biological process of birth with children. But when it comes to life’s end, parents can fall strangely silent.
The feelings and perspectives of children are overlooked, perhaps because of denial, a belief that children cannot understand, fear of the unknown, or simply a wish to escape responsibility.
There are several misconceptions adults have when it comes to talking to a child about death. For example, we hear, “It’s a good thing he is too young to understand”, or “She will grow out of it; she will get over it.” When an adult believes a child cannot experience the realities of loss and emotional pain, they risk a misunderstanding and may encourage misconception about the facts of death.
This may result in severe emotional problems throughout the child’s life.
Children growing up today are more aware of death than most adults realize. Death education begins soon after life begins, A pet is killed; a funeral procession passes; a grandparent dies; a space shuttle explodes before their eyes; and television pictures death in living colour every day. But children may not understand what they see because of adult secrecy.
Parents and grandparents, teachers, clergy, health professionals and friends can heighten the child’s feeling of isolation by acting as though nothing significant has occurred, when an arm around the shoulders, a warm handshake, an expression of sympathy or simply recognition would bring great comfort. Children should be allowed to express themselves and to give vent to their grief.
They need to be encouraged to ask questions and get straight, truthful responses. Some of their questions may be unanswerable. In those cases, a simple “I don’t know” may suffice.
The Hungarian psychologist Maria Nagy has explored the meaning of death for children of different ages. Ages three to five, they deny that death is final; it is like sleep, or like a parent going to work or on a brief vacation. Between five and nine, children accept the idea that someone has died, but not until the age of ten do they understand that they themselves must die.
Adults trying to explain or avoid explaining death to children are often tempted by half-truths or fantasies because they want to appear to know all the answers. It is far healthier to share the joint quest for wisdom with a child than appease immediate curiosity by fantasy in the guise of fact:
DON’T tell a child the person died because God wanted them. God takes the rap for too much already. Children may think God is still hanging around and may take them too.
DON’T tell a child the person is sleeping. The child may be afraid to sleep. They may associate sleeping with dying and cause a pathological dread of bedtime.
DON’T say someone died because they were old. To a small child anyone over twenty is old. They may think mommy or daddy is next.
Children need simple answers for their simple questions:
“Where’s Grandma?”
“She died”.
“Where is she?”
Depending on the child’s age you may wish to explain religious beliefs or simply say, “Grandma lived a good life and we will always remember her.”
“What is death?”
“It means the body stops working; the heart does not beat; they do not breathe anymore; they do not eat or sleep; they are never too warm or too cold; “nothing hurts and so they do not need their body anymore and for these reasons we will not see them again”.
The facts about death should be discussed naturally and lovingly, without lurid or terrifying descriptions.
It is important to proceed slowly, simply, with patience and gentleness. Nevertheless children should be informed immediately, if possible by a parent or someone close to them, and preferably at home or in familiar surroundings.
Delay makes it likely that the child will learn in the wrong place at the wrong time from the wrong person. Above all, children need to feel the affection of adults; hugging and physical closeness may be better than any words.
The funeral is an important rite of passage in the life of the family. It confirms that beloved person will no longer be part of the familiar environment. Children should be invited to express their love and devotion through the ceremonies of death.
Although many are made uncomfortable by the funeral, it aids them in dispelling fantasies and acknowledging the finality of death. If they are old enough to have some understanding of what is happening, they should be allowed to take part. If the child wants to attend he should be permitted, however, if he decides otherwise, he should not be forced to attend or made to feel ashamed that he has let the family down.
Suggesting a visit to the cemetery at a later time is quite appropriate.
Prior to visiting the funeral home or place of service, it is important to explain the ceremony in detail and consult children about their wishes and needs. Reassure them the deceased will not hurt them and they cannot hurt the deceased. Children should be told they can draw a picture or write a letter to the deceased expressing their feelings and place it in the casket.
Placing a photo of the child, or of the child and the deceased,
in the casket is also appropriate to further help the child through the mourning process. The presence of a child at the ceremony may be the best answer to a bereft adult who asks: “Why should I go on living?”
Reminiscing is crucial as we recover from the pain of grief. Give children an opportunity to remember their loved one through concrete objects. Create a photo album with preschoolers. Collect letters, cards etc. to add to the album that they can have as a keepsake when they are older. Children should be given other ways of communicating their hurt besides talking. Drawing, painting, listening to music, writing in a journal are ways all ages of children use to express their grief. They may complete a task which they once shared with the person who died.
Family, parents, friends and counselors can play a powerful role in helping children resolve their losses.
Helping children learn and understand what to expect of funerals and their grief give them the ability to cope with crisis. Changes will occur in our lives whether we choose them or not. Every day some type of loss or death occurs in our children’s lives. It may be a best friend moving away, being rejected by others at school, or parents separating. Every day we have the opportunity to help our children deal with their fear and cope with the feelings of grief.
Link: http://dying.miningco.com/health/dying/
The Funeral Service Association of British Columbia has published a booklet: Yours, Mine and Our Children’s Grief. For a complimentary copy, contact the closest member funeral home to your area listed in the Funeral Homes of BC page or the Funeral Service Association of B.C. at 1-800-665-3899.
There are many books available on a variety of topics dealing with death and grief. Recommended reading includes:
Life’s Losses … Living Through Grief, Bereavement and Sudden Change
Betty Jane Wylie, Macmillan Canada
Making Meaning of the Madness … One Man’s Journey Through Grief A must-read for every man who has suffered the tragedy of loss. Dan Lundine, Tall Timbers Publishing Corp. 21723 Monahan Court Suite 105 – Langley, B.C. V3A 8N1
Living With Dying: A Loving Guide for Family and Close Friends D. Carroli – McGraw Hill, 1985
Empty Arms: Coping With Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Death Wintergreen Press
Living Through Grief and Growing With It Barnes and Noble Books
A Time Remembered: A Journal for Survivors (or any other book written by Earl Grollman) Earl Grollman – Boston: Beacon Press, 1987
How Do We Tell The Children? A Parent’s Guide To Helping Children Understand and Cope When Someone Dies Dan Schaefer and Christine Lyons – Newmarket Press, NY, 1986
You and Your Grief (or any other book written by Rev. Edgar Jackson) Rev. Edgar Jackson – Channel Press, NY, 1966
On Death and Dying (or any other book written by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross) Elisabeth Kubler-Ross – MacMillian Publishing Co., 1969
When Bad Things Happen to Good People Harold Kushner, Schocken, NY, 1981
Beginnings: A Book for Widows Betty Jane Wylie – McCelland and Stewart, 1985
What To Do When A Loved One Dies … A practical and Compassionate Guide to Dealing with Death on Life’s Terms Eva Shaw, Dickens Press, Irvine, Ca.
Search the web for topics on grief and bereavement. Here are just a few websites that will help you with the issues of death and dying.
GRIEFWORKS BC.
Information, links & support groups if you’re a kid, teen or adult. www.griefworksbc.com
HOSPICE: Excellent resource material. www.hospicenet.org
BROCHURES BY DR. ALAN WOLFELT: Educator and practicing Thanatologist. Dr. Wolfelt is a noted author and has produced “The Helping” series of brochures. www.centerforloss.com
TEEN GRIEF – Death and Dying Net Links: Links to help parents, caregivers, teachers and friends to understand the needs of the grieving teen. dying.miningco.com
LINKS ON THE INTERNET ON DEATH, DYING AND GRIEF: A Directory of websites on the internet on the top of death, dying and Grief. selfgrowth.com/death.html
PERSONAL RESOURCES: Find all the help you need surrounding The issues of death and dying. Plenty of information and support at hand with a sense of community and warmth. www.death-dying.com
NEW HOPE – For Widow/ers and their families: An organization committed to encouraging and helping those who have lost a spouse through death. Their long-term vision is to also provide support for children who have lost a parent.
www3.bc.sympatico.ca/NewHope/
ST. MICHAEL’S CENTRE: Visit this web-site to download brochures written by Michael Sabara for the Funeral Service Association of B.C. www.saintmichaelscentre.org
You may feel the support of family and friends are not enough or you may be frozen in your grief at a particular stage. Your funeral director, clergy or doctor can refer you to some of the support groups that exist in the community.
The British Columbia Bereavement Foundation is a non-profit charitable organization that was founded in 1986 by a group of caring professionals who recognized a need in the community for information and support of the bereaved.
FOR INFORMATION, SUPPORT & REFERRAL CALL THE BC BEREAVEMENT FOUNDATION HELPLINE at (604) 738-9950 or outside the lower mainland call toll-free 1-877-779-BCBF.
BCBF Website: www.intergate.bc.ca/bcbereavement/
ARK Child Service Society counsels children and teenagers who have experienced the loss of a parent through death or divorce.
COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS supports parents who have lost a child.
GRIEVING PARENTS is a self-help group for parents and family who have lost an infant.
HOSPICE supports the dying person and their family, before, during and after death.
S.I.D.S. (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) supports parents who have lost a child through crib death.
W.H.O. (Widows Helping Others) provides ongoing support.
SUICIDE Prevention and Awareness Groups